Compassion

For most of us, we are trained from a young age to push down and hide negative emotions. To think of others first and not upset them by sharing our difficult experiences. But inside we strive for connection with others. To be able to share our stories with others. We also desire that the world will respond to us compassionately.

In order to gain compassion from the world, we must first give compassion to ourselves. To recognize when we are beating ourselves up about a choice we made, or a thought that came up, or a mistake that happened, or a reaction we had. When we are gentle and kind to ourselves it becomes easier to be gentle and kind to those around us.

When we begin to feel compassion for the suffering of those around us, we are less judgmental on their responses to our pain. We are more open to seeing alternative reasons for someone who quickly says I’m sorry and walks away.

How do you know that person didn’t lose their father the week before? How do you know that person didn’t get written up at work that morning? How do you know that person didn’t have an argument with their partner the evening before? How do you know that person is not suffering as you are?

We begin to appreciate when someone takes the extra moment to listen to our story. To connect with us.

As my compassion expanded, why did talking about my losses begin to feel easier? When I was able to give compassion to myself and others, I was able to be open to various forms of compassion. I was able to recognize when someone was giving me as much of a compassionate response as they could in that moment. This allowed me to share more frequently. I felt a sense of relief that I didn’t have to experience my suffering all alone all the time.

Then I noticed that when I would get a response that I felt lacked compassion, my first response was no longer a flood gate of anger. Although I was lost on how to respond. It wasn’t until I met a brave father who had lost his son that inspired me. He told me, it was his challenge to help educate people, including strangers, ideas for responding in positive ways in hopes that the next person that the person came across would get a more positive, supportive message. He would offer examples of positive words or phrases of comfort.

“It’s always okay to just say I’m sorry.” “It feels good when someone asks what my child’s name was.” “That must have been very difficult to go through.” “I can imagine what a difficult experience that must be like.”

I found myself taking his lead, and began educating people on a better, more compassionate, way to respond. Giving them these types of examples to say in the future, in hopes that they could be a little gentler or kinder to the next person. This made me feel good, like I was helping others.

It’s not hard to respond compassionately to others, but to do so we often need to take a minute to really hear the information shared and feel the pain of the other person. Many people can get caught up in not wanting to say the wrong thing, being overwhelmed by the others pain, or feeling a need to answer quickly to escape the unfamiliar conversation. It can be frustrating to be the one to re-educate people and encourage compassion when you are the one suffering. However, the more you are able to do this, the more compassion you will find both within yourself and giving to those around you. And the more you share, the less alone you may feel in your pain.